I Made A Note of What I Wanted to Write About oh if she weren't sick...

Michelle admitted if she weren't disabled I would never have entered her orbit. No peeps who can fend for themselves would be attracted to me. They see the sucker in me and they pour on the charm. And since no one but crips and psychos ever approaches me, I'm flattered and drawn in.

Smart doesn't matter. Smart is worth shit. I don't know why Kelly is so down on people who are not as smart as she is. Be mad a dog can't write your checks. It's not like they are dumb on purpose. It's not like they could get it like smarter people do. It's what it is. Like acquiring a language.

I think it may be a metaphor for "the world doesn't know how to meet my needs".  The opposite of the codependent theme (I can't meet their needs): "I can't make him stop drinking....screwing around....beating the kids...."

 One half the world has unfulfillable need, the other half has the desire to fill that unfillable hole.

It gets pathalogical when one side or  the other believes the hole can be filled, should be filled, must be filled, deserves to be filled. At any cost. At the cost of the life of one to fill the other. Thus the implosion of our marriage.

We each were convinced we were getting better (well she was perfect so there was no better to get to...no sarcasm just narcissim) and the other was batshit ratshit crazy.

You are the doughnut. I am the apple-raspberry filling. When it works, it's perfection. But really it's fatty and unwholesome and squirting out around the edges and the sugar coating gets all over you little black dress

"I'll be like the hole in a doughnut!" where's that from? The atheist chapter?

AA has been such a perfect foundation for other spiritualities I want to shoot off to. People think I'm so advanced when I talk in weirdo spaced-out groups, but really it all comes back to the spiritual principles. Unity...selflessness...trust...

And all those things can be used the wrong way...awareness...it's easy to love everyone when you are stoned but it doesn't last. It's the right answer, but I need to know how you get there. Like calculus. Show the work. Sometimes I didn't really know---it was a leap of faith. I have good instinct when I'm open to it. But too trusting. Too loyal.

Gordy. The new kid? Another psycho. Why do I empathize? Why can't I tell them to get lost like everyone else does. "You make no sense, boy, and you smell of booze. call me when you're sober"

What kind of person am I? I'm 50 I should know this. As the frog outside my window says over and OVER: fuck fuuuck fuck fuuuck stupid frog. or not so stupid.

I would be stupid enough to pick a dumbass blog that doesn't provide a word count. Not that I expect you to read 500 words a day. Pick n choose. It helps to have someone out there to send it off to.

fuuuck...