unmanagability

god where do I start? I can't imagine a life for myself. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I dread sunrise because of the obligation to be up and about. I want to hide. I want to disappear.

I can't see any reason for going on. nothing is worth the cost of moving a muscle. And having it ache. I can't move a muscle without pain and ok that's what I have to deal with... I want to go back on opiates. At least I could get out of bed.

I am afraid. Nothing real can be threatened. There is nothing that is not real.

I've made a mess of things. This can't go on. I have to choose.

It seems like a mountain not worth climbing. They make you feel so small when you talk to creditors. All my life I paid my bills--never let interest accumulate until this past couple years. I can't be bothered to even check my statements...I found two bogus ongoing charges I have to deal with. Well one I dealt with. The other was closed for holiday.

I should have gone to Jessica's. I don't know how to be a friend. I figured if she wanted me there she'd have invited me herself.

It's like I'm stealing your friend like I stole Lois from Michelle. And all hell broke loose.

I don't know how to be a friend. I am ice cold or I have no boundries. There's no in-between. Spent so much of adolescence in hospital visiting mother. Come home from school, get in car, go to hospital. Cook dinner or burger king. Once I brought home pizza for dinner and dad was disappointed. Not mean like Michelle but in my dreams they are one.

Why did she die? Why did she die so slowly and in so much pain? I feel my fibro is payback. I want it. She only made it to 42. I don't deserve these years I don't want them.

Not once was the word "cancer" used. Not once was I told my mother was dying. I thought "malignant" was good. My cousin, one year older, maybe 12 at the time told me "no, that's cancer."

No one helped me. How can I get over that. Poof. Magic. I'm over it.

I had a cyst they needed to look at when Michelle was alive and at one point I knew I KNEW she would not be there for me if I were really sick. Lois offered to go to the doctor with me and Michelle was pissed because I took the friend I stole from her with me to find out if I had cancer like my mother instead of Michelle. Then she made a fuss because the office was not handicap accessible, so I had to have them clean the wasps' nest out of the elevator so Michelle could accompany me.

She made it all about HER is the thing. It was my potential tragedy and she couldn't stand the spotlight not on her and HER tragedy. She played the spotlight for 20 years after being given 6 months to live and I fell for it.

We're supposed to love one another, right? Where do I go wrong?

Useless. Useless. That feeling of uselessness -- a lot of peeps pronounce it "useFULLness" which defeats the purpose but it doesn't matter does it, as long as you get the point. I hate my brain. Why can't I be normal? Nothing is fair.

I torture myself but I let myself drift into unreality in books ...

Powerless. I can see the house degenerating. I don't want to fix it I want to sell it and move to Asheville or Colorado. I am not fabulous enough for Key West. But I'm terrified to move.

I have shit in storage the bitch lost the key and I haven't been inside since. Gods help me. I could have bought the contents 3 times over for what I've paid in storage because I don't know how to get the lock off. Kelly can help. She is criminal.

Help me sell rolex, pictures. stomach churns not at the loss but at "I don't know how to do this" Fuck me. I'll figure it out. Sell trailer and move to Penna

I feel so small. Like alice.
I am grateful for friends today even though they are all fucked up or hate me