Don't Take Away my Anger

Anger is a luxury addicts can't afford.

But sometimes anger is the only emotion that will get me moving.

I can't afford to strip my life of anger.

Perhaps I'm mislabeling it. Let's call it "passion for equanimity"

When I've been ... listen, I can't talk about the divorce without anger. Without anger there is regret, remorse, shame... burdens I can't afford.

Alpha males can't afford anger. Beta females (alcohol in the testube) can't afford self-immolation. Because that's what happens when I quash my anger instead of allowing it to motivate me to change.

Anger does not have to be personalized. I can use the Buddhist technique of feeding demons. Instead of starving myself of emotion, I allow that emotion to feed off itself/myself until it is satisfied. It then becomes an ally--a partner--someone/thing to turn it over to. Not self but yes self transformed into a being so powerful no demon can control it.

I practice the Chod.

And Smosh: tomahawk chop is my death blow. Mary Ann states humor is a tool. I do love the sick sites.



Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me. I've been riding in Death's chariot one way or another since babyhood. I just want to stop now.

Maybe this will be a posthumous publication.

Friend is drinking ODoulles and Fre Wine. Damn it, that's no way to relapse. Buy a bottle of fucking whatever you fucking love best- Jack Daniels, Kaluha, Baileys, that cinnamon stuff and relapse
LIKE A BAWSE.

Fucking wimps.

OMG what am I saying? O that's terrible. Judge not.

Is that rain? Oh, thank you for the sound of rain. Before I tear off on an obscure track. It's always the right time to make a gratitude list.

I am metaphorically down on my knees. I know my life is unmanageable, and my joints would be more so if I actually got down on my knees. Oh, here's Covey (Dr. C as K calls him) moving my knees back and forth for his PA: hear that? that's crepitis. Here THIS you sadistic jerk.

Actually, he's a good doctor. He once saved Michelle's life. He owes me.

All signs pointed to Michelle being done away with before age 65. 100% service-connected disabled vet? I'd be rolling in it.

Circumstances leading to the divorce. My part in it. Of course--I fucked up. But the punishment did not fit the crime. I feel I used myself up caring for her (my decision, yes, in a sense--more on that re: the narcissist/borderline/codependent relationship) then she tossed me out like a wet, torn kleenex. Called the fucking cops on me, and never spoke to me again.

Except when SHE violated the restraining order by sending messages via that helpmate that's now in jail for accumulated gambling-related crimes.

And my lawyer--there is no bottom to the pit of my anger at his attitude not only in my case but for other women I've heard about. I said I was going to do something about it when I got my shit together but I never got my shit together.

Please, god, goddess, universe, let it be now. I am tired sooo tired I wake up and dread the day and only think, a few more hours and I can legitimately go back to sleep. I read about a retiree with that attitude when I was younger and thought it was about the saddest, most pathetic thing I'd ever read.

My car, my clothes are getting shabby and I've no resources to replace anything. Put out my begging bowl. I'm too poor to declare bankruptcy.

Okay, first things first. Start a morning routine besides diving back into a novel back between the sheets oh that sounds so good even alone it's all I can do.

Being interviewed for first some rehab program: What's the First Step? I looked at him oddly. No, he wasn't kidding.
1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Apparently a lot of peeps go into the program saying they're all enthusiastic but when he asks the first step, they are clueless.

Reciting it is one thing. Work work fucking work. I hate that. Gobbling turkeys after meetings....so cheery....work work work. Like it's that easy. That simple. When I can't even describe the work we are supposed to be so vigorously performing..........................................................................................................................................

I guess writing this is part of it. First time I've done this before rising. Purring Sita helps. Bast protect him.