Acedia aka sloth aka depression aka lack of ability to care

I am a liar. A very good one.
Good in the sense of capable.
And also in the sense of honorable.

Because although I lie, it's always for a very good, honorable reason.

Like when Scarlett O'Hara lies about, [well about anything], she states she is doing it to spare her mother pain. This is one of those good intentions the road to hell is paved with.

Or is she merely justifying.

See here is the fear...I don't trust myself to be good, honorable.

So what?

If you dig deep enough you can find pain, suspicion, sorrow in many past experiences. In present experiences.

If you dig deep enough, you can find (it kills me to write this) joy, elation, comfort, acceptance from people who here is comes back to the dark side....from people who seem okay, do one or two okay things, then turn out to be monsters.

You are PTSDing. then you drive people away with your inappropriate intensity. (if only you could use it to the good, joyful) then you get acedia because no one cares.

Care: a crying out. Some CAN see how pulled out you need to be.

The debt. One thing. It's absurd to kill yourself over money.
Money v. Life: no contest.
Principles before personalities.

But it's not money. It's that I am unable to care for myself. Make a fucking decision. Must be driven. This is honest.

I am at a point where I feel like a small child trying to manage an adult life.
Don't tell me I am not a small child.
She is running the show and she is terrified.

Numb.
Worry:
Kelly's port blocked
Tom wacked
Marty in a fog but says he'll help.
No, I don't want T to know I talked to his sponsor. Then he'll try all the harder to hide it.

He's your kind of liar and that's not a good thing.
He's a very good liar. Until he's not.

Oh, I can run circles around him in the lying department. A truth is, he's boring.

and he said "are you naked?" that night. Now that was inappropriate and reason enough

He's so pathetic. I don't need to be living with someone more pathetic than I.
Apathetuc

yes I slipped and I can still get away with telling no one. But who am I hurting? Me--remember Michelle who made "Eve" drop urine samples to live with her.

Almost Anonymous -- not a room you want to spend much time in. but it exists and let's not try to sweep the elephant under the rug.

Fake it til you make it-- a nice concept. studies show forcing yourself to smile even if you don't feel happy will make you happy.

We are nailing down book. We are getting sober. We are getting out of debt. We are staying alive, keeping ourselves alive (for now)

I was planning on how to write instructions for the person who is going to take care of my diabetic cat.