writer's breakthrough

Had a writer's breakthrough. I'm only here to write. Not to write a novel or a play or a memoir or a poem whose essence is so clear, so powerful that it brings immediate peace on earth, even in translation.

"showing up at the page" I think I'm quoting The Writer's Way by that fucking guru that workbook bugs me they mostly do I HATE being told where to cross my i's and dot my t's.

Of course I'm merely jealous of her success...no, more complex, her ideas are so obvious but how does she get to get them onto the page...AHA...she's done something I have not done...publish a bestseller.
Worse, something I'd like to do: publish a bestseller that people find helpful in some way.

 But how does she know what it was she did that got her published? Maybe it was dumb luck, good timing, a memorably fine blow job, BUT she gets to write a book that lots of people buy and I'm sure a fair amount of those have gone on to publish something...

But was it because of the book?

Who cares, as long as it works. But of the billions of factors that went into the blockbustering of the Writer's Way, how does author or anyone know which ones were direct causes--which behaviors when repeated would yield the result of another blockbuster?

So you can never know. Even if you are, to the best of your knowledge, doing the exact right thing, everything can still go to fucking hell in a handbasket.

 I think they covered this is the movie version of the Orchid Thief, "Adaptation" which I'm sure I've mentioned  before...I have a simulaneous blog going with what I believe is fresh material but there really IS no fresh material, it all comes from sonething else so why on earth BOTHER?

I Need permission to write. It's my job. I should do more, not less. This feels so delicate. I do not like being delicate. I want to jump through flaming hoops.

I WANT TO BE A NARCISSIST
but I don't have the heart for it.

I'm sick of the smell of my own ass
but I need forceps to pull-
i was gonna say "pull myself out"

Yeah. Like pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Try birthing yourself with your own forceps. More apt comparisson.

Someone said:
I wasn't lazy, I was terrified.

That's why hollering doesn't work. Even MM figured that out. Holler at me and I squish like a marshmallow. Didn't stop her from hollering. Only taught her how to use it more effectively.

Bad therapy teaches bad patients how to use their sickness more effectively. Hallmark.



So why all the fuss about god and turning it over? Like Goebbels said, we need something to clamp our hearts n minds to, irreversably, something we'd be willing to die for, something that is our life's blood yet is distant, unknowable