Putting Defects to Use

I think one reason it's harder for smart people to get the program is that we comprehend quicker and more thoroughly, per exam scores. So we are heels over heads gaga at the enormity of the changes involved in actually doing the program.

[Had a writer's breakthrough. I'm only here to write. Not to write a novel or a play or a memoir or a poem whose essence is so clear, so powerful that it brings immediate peace on earth, even in translation. Like that Coke song--I'd like to teach the world to sing...in perfect harmony. Mystical how a non-intoxicating beverage unites us in ways no rhetoric or war has been able to]

No-toes Tim shared his story at a meeting a couple days ago
[grumble in pit of stomach: I should be at a meeting...no missed nooner. Too soon for next. Buddha night.

Freeze-frame

It's at this point I gum up. Dive into a novel. Retreat retreat retreat.

Simplicity is not my natural state.
Simplicity feels dull. Feels like death.
Disdain one-note perfumes. Tea Rose. *sniffs disdainfully*
Produced by committee. Workshop.
Art needs one leader. One vision.
That doesn't mean everything does. Like nations, countries, families.

So am I writing or am I distracting myself from the fact that I messed up and missed a noon meeting cuz I didn't feel good enough to get out of bed. Except to do Sita's insulin. Walk Heff if I have to. But at what cost?

It's small stuff but for me it's hard.
Try praying.
Try letting go control.

All this whinging...it's all been said before. Call me Sysiphus. Waiting for Godot. And when Godot comes? He's gonna stomp on your head. Laugh. Say "I'll get back to you" and mosey on away.

So do you keep rolling that rock? Like a good girl and wait and wait and wait? Trudging through life?

If you do something to relieve the drudgery are you merely deluding yourself...creating yet another opiate, one more socially acceptable? From Opium to Oprah--the pleasurable haze of immersing yourself in another's life.

cuz isn't that all we are doing when we reach out to help someone? It says it flat out: we help others to save ourselves. It's a selfish program.

So how have we changed?

Is it a fucking farce, the whole fucking thing? But we DO change. I think.

Is it worth it? If I have to work at making it worth it, isn't that phoney? I'm back in charge.

There IS no higher power telling me what is right. The final choice, or the first choice--it's circular--it's all the same really

is MINE.

So Higher Power truly is NOT capable of being in control, of fixing me, of making things better.

Or he'd have DoNE iT by NOw motHERFUckER
an anti-2nd step