Nausea--The sensation I get whenever I think about writing, sit down to write, or read the crap I've produced.

Now THAT is marketing. LOL

Because of an INSTALL interruption, I just lost about a page of text. It's not much but I hardly ever lose work. I use MAC and it backs up like the newest cutest boy in the cell. It never seems to stop backing up. It should go beeeeep beeeeep beeeeeep to let you know it's backing up, because it would be a soothing tone, like pre-installed iphone alert tones you can choose based on your meyer-briggs profile.

writhe

 

writhe

[rahyth] Show IPA verb, writhed, writh·ing, noun

verb (used without object)

1.

to twist the body about, or squirm, as in pain, violent effort, etc.

2.

to shrink mentally, as in acute discomfort.

this is so hard, so exhausting, to explain. 

On Sat, Dec 7, 2013 at 11:00 AM, KWBGS <kwbgs@kwbgs.org> wrote:

December 7, 2013

Dear Costello:

The Key West Tropical Forest & Botanical Garden wishes to thank you for your volunteer service. In the year 2013, you have put in seventy five or more hours which results in a free membership.  Your continued support places you at the Individual membership level and entitles you to all the benefits associated.  Additionally, we would like to thank you for your continued assistance in the protection and growth of this unique garden in the lower keys.

Retain this letter for your records.  Please note that the Key West Tropical Forest and Botanical Garden Society is a registered 501 (c) 3 tax-exempt, not for profit organization (EIN #65-0084855).

To help save the environment and cut costs, the Garden’s newsletter is now sent electronically.  Please sign up for our E-newsletter by sending your e-mail address to kwbgs@kwbgs.org.   We invite you to refresh your acquaintance with the Garden’s website at www.kwbgs.org or www.keywestbotanicalgarden.org and experience our updated site with more garden information, news and updates.

Sincerely,

Misha D. McRAE

Executive Director

Well, thank you so much! That's a surprise. I'm sorry I've had to back off on volunteering

As little as I did at the Garden, I was finding it exhausting but too embarrassed to say because it sounds so whiny. My doc is having me do a cardiac work-up based on a bad EKG--I don't know what it all means yet. It might mean nothing, but Google, my highest source for medical/surgical information, suggests clogged arteries.

Big time family history. My father had to have open heart surgery. Just about every uncle on both sides (a LOT of uncles) passed from heart problems.

Dr. Covington also suspects multiple sclerosis, but he's not a neurologist. Still, I trust his instincts, so that's another possible cause of exhaustion above and beyond Fibromyalgia which I've had all along.

I'm really not a front desk sort of person but I hope there will be opportunities for me to continue to volunteer. I also can't tell from one day to the next how I'll be feeling, so it's hard to have any regular schedule.

I guess I don't feel worthy of a membership--more like I let you down. Sorry this is such a long text. I don't want you to feel there was anything about the Garden itself that was so unbearable it drove me away. I felt appreciated and enjoyed the volunteering.

thanks...hope you are well...
Anna

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this had to do with a play on the words write right wright which I love to do. Writhe is pronounced a bit differently more an assonance thing (getting the rhyme wrong). oh my gods I look at writing I did as a child and see I make the same spelling mistakes. Not exactly the same. my errors are not perfectly consistant. It's an assonance thing. I can't believe I can spell assonance. I so astound myself I competely lose track of what I'm trying to say again and again, but I'm leaving my errors in now so you can see whay I am so astonished I was able to spell assonance. consistantly perfect. Now if I could only spell consistent. once is luck. consistent requires at least five consistants in a row (see?) without deliberately paying special attention as much as possible to the spelling part and just write the word in a sentence casue it has to be natural or it doesn't count. '

And sometimes a typo is just a typo. Clumsy fingers. Oops another trait of Multiple Sclerosis. holy fuck I learned to spell that right qick enough. Here is my dilemna:

I don't know how to tell people bad news. Gods know why, but there are a few bleeding hearts and artists distressed at the thought of my sickness and "early" demise. Half a century is long enough.

I am not suicidal. I just think half a century is PLENTY of time...I did lots of stuff...I see poverty ahead (If I believed I could move I very probably might but the task is too daunting. Unless I move to low income housing but I wasn't ready to cash in assests that have dropped in value to where it still wouldn't pay off all my debt. That watch. Now that I can't walk I'n ready to take a picture of it. 

Life is not a challange. So I make up challanges. just to keep the adrenaline flowing. but when weird adrenaline choices are being made on a regular basis, they become a new regular. You keep needing to be more and more odd, breaking the odd speed of noise barrier and things go boom and you wreck everything and need to start over.

Which is on of the biggest motherfucking challenges. Look at that Graph that rates life events, good and bad,

[i've done this one...check back...]

I'm starting to  step back from my journaling and seeling how it migh work as a book. I think that's a good thing. But then, where is my journal? 

My Garden-Variety journal? I'll keep that one hidden or in a hard copy journal. I still like the pen on page. I like drawing (yes, there are apps to draw...I can't do that right wright writhe now.)

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writhe

 

writhe

[rahyth] Show IPA verb, writhed, writh·ing, noun

verb (used without object)

1.

to twist the body about, or squirm, as in pain, violent effort, etc.

2.

to shrink mentally, as in acute discomfort.

My Garden-Variety journal