Poem: Desperate

"Desperate. I love that word."

"Everyone I know is desperate..."
          --Desperately Seeking Susan

There's a positive side to living in crisis. To being desperate.
You don't need to scrutinize your plans/behaviors/motives too too meticulously. Peeps will understand and if they don't then they are not your peeps.
But the Peeps who understand, my peeps, seem to get tired of understanding.

I'm living my life according to the principles:

I am Happy

I am Joyous

I am Free!

Then here comes this pigeon-to-be pooping

          on my spirituality

.
I'm the experienced one. It should not be that the less experienced one can knock me down a step or two ... too many. How on Earth does that happen? I'm secure I'm doing what I need to do

I have my shit together dammit

I'm as close a follower of the principles as I can be
and of course I will help you though it might hurt me

          but it can't hurt me I'm spiritual you see you must have seen you aimed and hit it
          U press my buttons
          You are me...and I was you...

and that's a wicked big principle,
maybe two

service, unity...

I imagine a long-timer confronted by a short-timer or a boomeranger

...do you pray? Is that how I help you I make you
desperate

remind you no one no thing not your own self for sure
but
something bigger like a god or a crowd or for what it's worth
a knob
can protect you
or a saint if that's your leaning a candle, a fortune cookie, the animal rescue
where you can
talk to the animals
drink the dragon's blood so you can know
the words of birds the songs of animals.
She gave us fresh pomegranate seeds juice flowing deep
deep red like blood
Can I hear you now?

I'm a poet, are you?
We tend to end with our heads in ovens, an O.D. or two, and one so smart he found the latest trend...

helium suicide Google it NO don't.
Smart enough to rig it...act the part...work full-time times two...
but couldn't find one big or several small little reasons
--some things to balance out the pain?
Teeter-totter/be or not
or teeter totter
teeter teeter
have a big fall.

Everyone I know is desperate.

We had the same dead mother story more-or-less
a father there but not there: virtual orphans.
I chose sorrow over rage I'm still here half a century

old.

and how's that working for you?

It's not it's not it's not...I haz less balls now...

[Is it fewer balls or less balls (POETIC LICENSE IS REVOKED for breaking 3rd wall you nitpicking  fool and spoiling the poetry you were licensed to kill. Justifiable homicide? Less marbles or fewer marbles...between you and I or me does it matter who made the rules anyway I break rules. some rules. The ones I choose to break. I can be a sweet little thing you'd never know unless I want you to know I should have such control. i don't mean to be bad and I don''t even know if I can help it or not)]

I'm really here for research like in my
first
rehab
(i said no-no-no instead I made a fantasy come true
Juliet and Romeo
and barely made it back in time for
rehab
number 2.)

and how's that working for you?

It's not It's not It's not I lost my cherry my naivete my belief
I never believed in Santa Claus I had an older brother and cousins,
you see when you learn too young
it messes with your head you know
even after half a century how strange.

In my fantasies like my books (the plotted ones at least)
everyone is desperate.
My closest friends are fictional characters.

even IRL friends and yes I have them I don't tell them much.
Psychiatric diagnosis: (I've collected more than a few)
DID (did not)
Divided Identity Disorder
Which may explain why I could play 4-player Monopoly all by myself
in my room
as a kid
and never not once get bored.

I'm never all there. An I miss what's lacking.
I don't believe any of mes are bad
but some are hurtful without realizing cuz our connections are skewed
In fact we shouldn't need connections we should
be
fully
emulsified
then you would never find yourself beside yourself
If it's a meme it can't be that odd.
So perhaps even emulsified you might just find yourself
beside yourself.

So yeah ok maybe we understand one another.
We are emulsified. Me is, you is, we are
all one Peeps

Enough of an overlap at least yet
I am so afraid
I can't do what I need to do today
A fear I remember from 5th grade
When I disappeared into stories I told my brain
and IRL through a glass darkly

but I'm here half a century
and I should not see
as a child sees.
but it's too much
bright light!
and close my eyes I close my eyes I close my eyes
and never wake up again

Hamlet got it right and wrong.
Don't go because the other side might be worse.
But then you scare yourself of death
(better a fear of taxes.)
like, what's the point of dreading the inevitable?
or believing it's a bad thing

Agreed: life is better after life #1
afterlife so
why the fuss over an early departure?

despite sponsors, the hotlines, PSAs, desperate threats:
no sacred ground for you
no beatific vision.
It will be worse--to not be.
A self murder will be punished
you got off early for bad behavior this life
(ha showed you)
next time around? your heavily Karmalized soul
will be apple-chomped like
pomegranate seeds in chewy karmal

The beast chomps
juice running
down his chin
doing you
in.

When you're desperate, it's hard to tell
pleasure from pain
or pleasure that's a price you
cannot pay.
Is it enough to scare you away?
At least for today?